So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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