i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
