Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
