"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
