I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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