I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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