last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
