Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
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My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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