Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
