I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
