The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
