i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it penis luge time yet?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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