My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
