i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
