Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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