I think im going to throw up on grandma
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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