Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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