stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
