he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?