when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney