You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
