maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sarcasm needs its own font
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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