I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
