i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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