i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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