Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
