Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
