Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
