in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
