Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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