am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
