I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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