so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize