He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
