i'm signing you up for texting rehab
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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