note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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