I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
