I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
