my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
