I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
