i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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