I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
