Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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