By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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