Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
