Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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