I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
