You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
