Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
