I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
