i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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