Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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