I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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